My Memoir

Hello.

               

     Twenty years ago in about five months, you were born. Twenty years and nine months if you count the period you were a guest in her womb. When they loved each other enough to make love, you’re not sure if the goal was a child, or just the pleasure of being intimate, being in love and wanting the whole building, the whole city, the whole world to know that love blossomed from each of their bodies and into one another. Months passed quietly, love and work, both activities consumed them entirely. A forgettable day became memorable. She was pregnant. 4 months.

                

Love was made recklessly and in the process life was created. But two lives were already in full progress. Climbing up the corporate ladder, consumed with better, desiring for more. Desire rejected the new life, it would be a hindrance, a roadblock to what those two lives in full progress were destined to achieve.

               

But in the midst of love they decided to love the life now living in her body. Timing was wrong, plans were obliterated, but desire still abided in both lives. They worked harder, became less invested in each other and more invested in a future that needed to be created for the life that was already changing their lives and their love.

                

You were born. It was a blizzard. Just the two lives, nervously starring at the new one. The freezing precip fell from the sky, a cold chill ran up their spines, the love that seemingly had inferno strength left them freezing.

                

The city was left for suburbia. Culture for cookie cutter. But hey, who said the American dream incorporated culture? Love was left in that small studio apartment, where love made a life that changed two. You worry they resent you.

               

Months passed, the new life grew. You walked and talked, you said dad first, then mom. And then they left. Desire never left either of them, while love slowly did. They went back to work, started where they had left off. A nanny became your parents. She was nice though, lovely woman. She loved the live the two had created, the life they left to continue their own. The two lives would quietly stop in your room, as if they were visiting you in their own home. They loved you, they really did.

One Christmas after another, they weren't there. The two lives off pursuing goals, attaining some America dream, which was a fucking joke. Your dream was sitting in front of a massive pine covered tree opening presents with a fucking nanny. Love never filled that house the way it did the small studio apartment where they carelessly made love and life.

              

 Facades became a daily ritual for the two lives that no longer loved each other. Oddly enough they cared enough about the life they made to stay together, try and stick it out or whatever. You grew up, went to school, and made friends. Lived the typical American life, you were beginning to blossom while the two lives had been slowly rotting.

               

The nanny left, the new life wasn't so new anymore. The house got cold, almost like the blizzard you had been born on. It’s not that love wasn't there, but love for each other was gone. The two lives no longer loved each other just the one they created. How could you not love the person you made life with?

Divorce. They had rotted into corpses of who they had been in that studio apartment ten years prior. You didn't cry, you expected it. You lived, held your feels deep in the crevices of your heart and lived. Because although this is an autobiography they are your life, they gave you life and they took life from you. The emotional pain killed inside, you never think your family will be the one to explode. But you lived, made it through middle school then high school.  

That was life. They offered objects instead of affection. You love them but you hate them. They should have tried harder, did better. Now you look for love in every fucking person because you didn't experience enough at home. Because the two people who had once loved each other so much couldn't even show you, their kid what the fuck love was.

You’re in college now.  A pretty cool kid; you have no idea what you want to be. But you know you want to contribute; you can contribute to society, to the world, to art? Who knows what institution you’ll truly make your mark on. You love your parents, you know they want the best for you, and just like how you’re trying to navigate through the highs and lows of young adulthood, they did the same trying to figure out how to raise you. In no way is this autobiography a massacre of them, of those two lives because they were and are human, they’re growing. We’re actually growing together. I love you. 

Housewife ≥ Any Other Profession

There is nothing wrong with a woman wanting to be a housewife just as there is nothing wrong with her wanting to be a corporate drone. I can't understand how an individual can represent "feminism" but not respect a woman of sound mind to make her own lifestyle choices.

Sadly, third wave feminism is not all inclusive of every woman, and I guess that's probably true, to many social institutions...leaving out persons they claim to benefit. But whenever you notice the people or institution who claims to represent you, start to degrade you, take a minute to question if that institution even respects you. You don't have to hail "third wave feminist" to attain the respect and equality you deserve.
A woman can and should be respected in her household just as much or maybe even more than in the boardroom.

A War Within a Race (Repost)

The House Negro and the Field Negro – Malcolm X

“…He ate the same food his master ate and wore his same clothes. And he could talk just like his master - good diction…”

  -Malcolm X 

I've always experienced questioning and inquiries about the way I speak; how I choose to deliver myself. The overarching belief that it sounded too white, my white friends thought I sounded fine; because I sounded like them. And I couldn't sound any other way or else I wouldn't have friends.

That is where it began; between the House Negro and the Field Negro, as Malcolm X puts so eloquently in the speech he delivered at Michigan State University in 1963. Black kids who perhaps tend to speak intelligently are immediately labeled as trying or acting white. Or get made fun of for sounding “white” particularly by black counterparts. (Something I've experienced on multiple occasions) But this was the slave master’s original plan: to put the House Negro and Field Negro at odds with each other. It immediately pins people that by all understanding should be united in a fight against white oppression. Instead they end up fighting each other, on the belief that the House Negro has become too much like their master, and that was the master’s plan all along: to start a war within a race. A plan that has worked for centuries, a plan that still works today...

Rape Culture: What We Choose Not to See

*An essay I wrote in early March on the great debate of rape culture; still in original, essay format. 

Rape Culture: What We Choose Not to See

Rape culture is real and ever prevalent in our society. Rape culture is defined as an environment in which rape and other forced sexual activities are prevalent but normalized within society; thus being considered a societal norm. Generally the ideas of rape culture are perpetuated and streamlined through media outlets, negative, misogynist language, overall degrading of women, victim bashing and deemphasizing of the actual crime of rape or sexual assault.  Originally derived within the third wave of feminism, the terminology rape culture was designed to address a lack of sensitivity and respect to the actual act of rape. Currently in American society and throughout the world there tends to be a very blasé and almost humorous approach to the severity of rape, and there is little to no acknowledgement that rape is an actual crime in some developing countries. But as far as America goes many average citizens fail to take into account the real issue of rape culture because people choose to believe it’s not a reality or a concern; no want wants to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Rape culture, is an intrinsic part of our culture and not a positive one either. “In our culture rape and sexual assault is made to be both invisible and inevitable.” How does one change a culture that turns a blind eye to the severity of rape culture?

“It isn’t true.” “It’s just a new thought movement from more radical feminist.” “If she doesn’t say no, well then it wasn’t rape.” “Rape culture, what is that?” The main issue within society realizing and accepting rape culture as an issue is the fact that it’s underrepresented and laced with heavy skepticism. Many people already have very warped views of what exactly rape is and any other form of sexual assault for that matter; particularly young men of my own generation.  Rape and sexual assault is seemingly a fact of life, a truth that can’t be escaped when the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) states that one in five women have been raped in their lifetime. A mindboggling statistic born out of a national telephone survey of about 16,500 adults in which surveyors extracted information on types of physical and sexual violence, including rape. Moreover the majority of these sexual assaults and/or rapes fall within the age demographic for women between 17-25 years of age, according to the RAINN, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. Furthermore the 2008 National Crime Victimization Survey by the Bureau of Justice Statistics, stated more than 75% of the women who reported a rape were under 25 years old at the time of their assault. That being said that age demographic falls largely between young women who are most likely in school or a higher learning institute i.e.: college, university; which comes to the next point, that rape culture tends to be of high incident within colleges and university.

                College campuses of today have garnered a notorious reputation for almost ignoring the severity of sexual assault and rape, becoming one of the largest proprietors of rape culture.  With a multitude of cases in which colleges across the nation have mishandled victims reporting sexual assault and/or rape it’s become a frequent and normal aspect of the college experience. Therefore completely embodying the definition of rape culture to begin with; a society who readily expects rape as a normal and anticipated situation. University of Ottawa, in Canada will be hosting its first annual day of reflection on March 24^th 2014, to commemorate and reflect on sexual violence that’s been occurring on and off their campus. Kalamazoo College in West Michigan is also taking a hands on approach to sexual violence on campus by hosting an annual 3K run each March to spread awareness that we need to support the victim, not blame them. The biggest issue within the college campus’s microcosm is that many college officials aren’t well trained in how to handle sexual assault victims and furthermore almost try to dissuade victims that an actual assault has occurred, rather attempting to sweep it under the rug, rather than create an unnecessary blemish on the school’s reputation. A specific example being a former student of University of Massachusetts Amherst, Angie Epifano whom laid out the horrors of discussing her rape to Amherst officials and administration in which they repeatedly questioned her authenticity. Officials even went as far as to make statements such as, “Are you sure it was rape? It might have just been a bad hookup…You should forgive and forget” and also using other excuses such as being that due to the perpetrator was about to graduate it was pointless to press charges. Now it’s important to remember this is one individuals experience, which of course could harbor some biases but this isn’t some contemporary thought process for college campuses. These schools need to keep up donor funding, high rates of graduation and offer a safe and comfortable environment to students; with stories of rape and assault coming out the wood work, college administrations definitely feel the pressure to sweep certain issues under the rug. And this is how you move to the issue of victim bashing within the concept of rape culture. Using the previous example stated, Epifano states officials and administrators, tried to coerce her into believing it was a consensual sexual experience, or that perhaps she misinterpreted what happened, which is a very common aspect with rape culture; blaming the victim. In 2011 Toronto police officer, Constable Michael Saguinetti suggested at a college roundtable discussing the issue of campus rape that in order for women to remain safe, “…women should avoid dressing like sluts…” asserting that through one’s way of dressing makes them more susceptible to sexual assault. On the other hand some countries in South Asia and into the Middle East have exorbitantly high rates of sexual assault and rape. Ironically enough countries like Saudi Arabia and their geographical neighbor Iraq have laws and codes regulating women’s form of dress, with the use of hijabs, burqas, and veils. However according to the Women Stats Project (2011) Saudi Arabia and surrounding countries are currently facing a rape endemic; due to the taboo believes of rape and overall disregard for it in these countries, statistics are few and limited. This information is being stated to express that there is no correlation between one’s manner of dress and being raped; if that were the case there would be no reports of sexual assaults in these “modest,” Muslim countries. Dressing provocatively doesn’t or shouldn’t make you more susceptible to rape; this is a matter of self-control not one’s way of dressing.  The statement made by Constable Michael Saguinetti, of course was crude and founded off complete ignorance; beliefs like that essentially say to the victim, “this was your fault and in some way you brought this assault on yourself,” which is the furthest thing from the truth. And this is a belief system that many people carry, that sexual assault and rape is partially perpetuated by the victim, almost removing any blame towards the rapist and gearing it towards the person who originally and still is the victim.  

                Furthermore the college campuses of America have also gained notoriety for another aspect of rape culture, date rape culture. Date rape, meaning a sexual assault facilitated through the means of alcohol or sleep inducing drugs has been around since the early 1980s but it was only until wide spread usage of drugs like benzodiazepines and Rohypnol that police noticed the trend of rapes and sexual assaults related to the usage of said drugs. These forced acts became prevalent throughout the 1990s, the majority of which were taking place within downtown club scenes, with relatively young clientele. Before long the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) and other state law enforcement officials were forced to crackdown and grasp hold of not only the drugs being used in these attacks but how to tackle the issue of trying to try rapist using drugs to facilitate an assault in a court of law.  As the hysteria of date rape decreased in the early 2000s, it was making a new name for itself in the dark, dank living rooms of frat houses; a fairy dust like substance being dumped into a girl’s drink, a hand slipping around her waist before she completely tumbled over and a trip upstairs, or in the cheap interior of some guy’s car. Rape in of itself has been a serious issue on college campuses for decades now, but as previously stated is an issue that is forcibly concealed.  A report entitled “The Sexual Victimization of College Women” (2000) by the National Institute of Justice (NIJ) which is under the US Department of Justice stated a college with 10,000 students could experience as many as 350 rapes per year. Point in case: sexual violence is a common occurrence on college campus.

                Now on the other hand there is a pool of critics whom don’t believe that rape culture is a concept or even exists for that matter. Christina Hoff Summers, author of the controversial yet highly acclaimed book, "Who Stole Feminism? How Women Have Betrayed Women" (1994) claims rape culture beliefs are based off a flawed study, suggesting that “one in four women do not get sexually assaulted or raped in her lifetime.” While that statistic was generated from a fairly small pool of women surveyed, and there is variation in the ratios as to whether its 1 in 4, 1 in 5, or 1 in 6 women, it doesn't negate the fact that one in four, five or six of those women within the statistic did experience some form of rape and/or sexual assault. In an article entitled “It’s Time to End ‘Rape Culture’ Hysteria” for Time Magazine, written just a few days ago the 20th of March to be exact, Caroline Kitchens, the author suggests that “Though rape is certainly a serious problem, there is no evidence that it’s considered a cultural norm…on college campuses, obsession with eliminating ‘rape culture’ has led to censorship and hysteria.” Yet if 1 in 5 women in the US survive rape or attempted rape, and 1 in 6 men are abused before the age of 18, how is rape culture not a cultural norm? These statistics aren't just generated from a computer and dispensed for societal consumption; they’re real people; the fifth or sixth person respectively that you see walking down the street, or through the student union of a college, leaving a party or a club. Critics of rape culture tend to counter with the belief that rape culture is a hysteria fueled thought movement, and that its media driven with warped statistics and poor, distorted images of what truly occurs on campuses, but the facts state otherwise. Rape and the culture surrounding it was indubitably intensified through heavy media portrayal, and while some will claim that overzealous media created a state of pandemonium, which I won’t refute; it also opened a Pandora box. The extensive media coverage essentially gave those disturbed viewers a “how to” guide on how to administer the drug and then the results there after. But it also allowed society to realize that we had and have a problem on our hands, that isn't going away, that has found its ways into our college campuses, and that is adversely affecting women and possibly some men too.

 No one ever wants to look at the faults of man and society, the blemishes that clout our societal face; we’d rather put on cover-up or hide behind a mask. But when it hits home, when your daughter is shunned from her school like Angie Epifano, her cries for help and justice falling on the deaf ears of society, then it becomes real, somehow the culture and belief you had no opinion a few months ago becomes real, it’s not a joke or a bad dream; its reality. Rape culture is not a laughing matter, and not a falsified one either, the hysteria wasn't generate on a lack of evidence, the hysteria was generated because a multitude of evidence and victims. Rape and the culture surrounding it effects hundreds of thousands of girls who are shunned and ridiculed to save face for colleges and university are real people, and real people make up believes and customs, that make up a culture, our rape culture.

               

All rights reserved 

               

               

The Chase Reloaded

Being that the previous post I wrote was really generated out of pure, raw emotion I wanted to take a more in depth approach to the chase; what it means, is it a mutual activity, who should take the first step…

In my previous post I was specifically discussing my own issue with the chase; finding myself in a position where men were expecting me to make the first move and keep the lines of communication open; text them first, call them first, which as soon as I realized this albeit bizarre pathology I just stopped reaching out to that male all together. If there’s one thing I've learned in my life is that chasing people doesn't make them stay, it makes them run further away from you. I learned that lesson after chasing the first man that showed and allowed me to experience love; my father. Not in any instinctual or illicit sexual manner but he legitimately was the first man who ever loved me, and after an amicable divorce from my mother he moved on accordingly with other people, and for the longest time I chased and begged for his attention and to re-establish the daddy-daughter relationship we once had. But my mother scolded me for this behavior, “…don’t ever chase after a man…” she’d say and eventually I realized he was so far ahead, even if I was sprinting I would never catch up to him; I would always be chasing. From that point to today I feel I could never do it again; chase after a man, I stopped chasing after the most important man in my life so I’m definitely not going to chase a male who has some sort of confidence issue and gets off on women messaging and calling, receiving some ego boost because someone cares enough to reach out to him.

And in talking to other people they discuss fluid gender roles and how there’s no issue with a woman asking a man out or a man asking a woman out, which I agree with. We’re in evolutionary period where I don’t think the woman taking the first step is as taboo, or desperate as it might have been perceived in years past. But this has nothing to with fluid gender roles and equality it’s an issue of manners and etiquette. Women who want to take the reins, more power to them but that doesn't negate or invalidate a population of women who might want a man to take the first step; I don’t mind power exchanges, I’ll take the reins in a mutual situation too, so it’s not one sided; but lately I feel like that’s all I run into, men waiting for me to take their hand and lead the way… give me a break, and I don’t mean that to alienate men but I don’t want to your mother, especially when you’re older than me…I guess the whole with years come wisdom is specific to a minute percentage of the population.

In this evolving society it seems that the definition of a man has been lost in translation…the principals and weight carried along with the title of being a man has been all but removed. And the argument can be made that we live in a society that emasculate the man but that doesn't mean you have to fall victim, being stripped of any masculinity you have.

The stereotypical roles of men being the breadwinner, the head of the household, and the only one who climbs the corporate ladder are over, I don’t agree with them and they are completely alienating and disrespectful to the abilities of women, no doubt. But in the previous expert taken from my last post there needs to be an understanding that gender equality isn't suppose emasculate the man, and that seems to be what has happened. The principals and weight of being gallant and respectful, being a decent male, those are not to be forgotten, and sadly they have; raising boys as masculine, beastly men? No. But as humans, as adults that still harbor chivalry and respect. Present day guys trying to pass as men but without the know how on approaching women, or how to be respectful. It’s mortifying and frankly I go as far as to say it’s an epidemic. I’m not saying there aren't decent guys out there, because there are but they've been overshadowed by a generation of men who have no idea how to be just that, a man.  

The chase is a vital part of the courting process, and I don’t mean hunting the individual down, but a desire, actively seeking the individual…I mean if that’s not happening, unless it strictly hooking up with no strings that’s a situation that doesn't sound like it’ll be metastasizing into anything more than a game of cat and mouse. And I've done that with enough guys to not want to anymore.

And now I can breathe…

Please excuse how late this post is!

The Chase

You expect me to chase you?

Just a quick blurb for thought but lately I've come across this issue: Men, grown men expecting me to chase after them. In this ever evolving, modern society we live in many things have changed from the definitions of family and marriage to the ever increasing technologies we have at our fingertips; that being said there seems to be this new wave of thought on how courting should take place in this modern world. And it seems as though role reversal is the mantra of this generation…where women need to take the reins and seek men out. And I have no issue with a woman who knows what she wants and is confident enough to go after it, but personally speaking I usually let it come to me, and recently I noticed once it comes to be and I begin conversing with the individual I’m apparently supposed to keep the lines of communication open at all times…call him first, text him first, suggest this and that, as if I’m trying to start a relationship on my own. Pish Posh!! Give me a break, I don’t care if it’s 2014, common courtesy does not go out the window, I’m not saying you have to run me down on a constant basis but at least give me an idea that you actually want to hear from me, that you give two craps about my well-being…it’s a two street. Neither party should continually have to reach out; if there’s a mutual attraction shouldn't it come from both ends? And then male friends and counterparts always make the argument that their tired of chasing after women, and yeah you have some run of the mill girls who just want to be showered with compliments by any means necessary but that doesn't negate the population of women who desire the respect of a man taking the first step…idk a man being a man perhaps? In this evolving society it seems that the definition of a man has been lost in translation…the principals and weight carried along with the title of being a man has been all but removed. And the argument can be made that we live in a society that emasculate the man but that doesn't mean you have to fall victim, being stripped of any masculinity you have. Perhaps somewhere, someone doesn't even find this to be an issue, but as a woman it makes my stomach churn and I just needed to get that off my chest.  I will never chase down a man, it’s completely unorthodox and unbecoming; and here comes the importance of realizing your own worth as an individual, I know some females who will jump before a guy even says “how high” and that is the result of a failure to see yourself and what you deserve as a woman, as a human being.

*waving my white flag*

#blurbforthought

Thoughts?

Feminism: Black Feminism? (2)

http://pussypowerinfluence.blogspot.com/2014/01/feminism-black-feminism.html

So it has now become readily apparent that in writing my last entry(link above), there was no way the paradox box of race I so desperately wanted to leave closed can stay that way…and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I just think I assumed it would be easier, or less controversial to not discuss, to ignore the role race plays in feminism because at least from my perspective it seems to be a pretty taboo topic. And before I really get into this post I definitely want to thank a fellow feminist and moderator on the feminist page; you of course know who you are and I thank you for challenging me in my earlier post, for asking questions and therefore forcing me to generate responses and get a better grasp of what my position was and why I had it. Being a novice to this blogosphere of feminism has been a challenge no doubt and I appreciate receiving vital criticism of my posts.

I think to kick this post of I want to give black feminism a little more credit. Not because I completely agree with their beliefs but I wrote that initial post from a perspective of not completely taking the time to understanding what black women face. I was more into discussing that all black women aren't necessarily down on their luck and economically disenfranchised since I’m not and I failed to take myself out of the equation and give the struggles of other black women and women in general credit and merit. I still know people who weren't given the best hand in life, have heard stories about different struggles and that’s something I can speak too. It’s wrong of me to dismiss black feminism because frankly there speaking to struggles that mainstream feminism doesn't…  

But as I questioned in my last post how well their getting that message to a mainstream black female audience, is questionable and I’m not recanting that skepticism I have of the movement.

Furthermore black feminism became widely known in the 1970s…now fast-forward to 2014, and it simply isn't at the peak it once was and those black women that started the movement like Alice Walker, writer of The Color Purple, Angela Davis, Frances M. Beale don’t necessarily hold the positions they held some thirty years ago. Those women along with many other black feminist of their time did their rightly duty, went above and beyond for the black feminist movement, now it’s time for a new generation to, pick up arms, to continue what they started and sadly I don’t think that’s happening; therefore making black feminism become somewhat of an allusion, a novel with no pages that has failed to actually reach its current audience, it’s 2014 audience therefore leaving unknowing black women to the possible contribute the movement can offer, the sense of upliftment and empowerment...a sense of unity in knowing these struggles aren't specific to them; that their not alone.  Black feminism can contribute, but in order to contribute you have to reach the audience you claim to speak for, because if not, are you truly speaking for them?

What irked me about black feminism was that I felt it was a succession from mainstream feminism therefore making black feminism an even smaller speck on the spectrum, getting even less attention now when removing itself from mainstream feminism.

And I feel as though black feminism is also very exclusionary of black women like myself, well off I suppose would be an adequate terminology. Originally I questioned since I was black and a feminist did that automatically make me a black feminist, which it doesn't because it doesn't seem that I’m taken into account; I didn't necessarily grow up with the same struggles, I’m seen as the uppity black that can’t relate, and although I might not be able to empathize I can sure sympathize and understand that their struggle is not for the swift but those who endure to the end. And though I haven’t experienced what they have, I've still had my fair share of struggles, it’s not like I don’t need upliftment and support because I’m a little different; if you’re going to have an institution designed to uplift the black woman it can’t exclude certain black women, that’s just splitting hairs.

The fact of the matter is mainstream feminism is white feminism. There doesn't need to be a white feminist movement because the majority of modern day feminism is run by white females, it’s an inevitable truth; something that became quite apparent as I went back and forth with that fellow feminist. And white feminist have different desires, different aspirations, and that’s fine…gaining positions of power, finally attaining salary equality to men…worthy causes, causes that I personally am very thankful for no doubt but these aspirations are not necessarily realistic to all women’s lifestyles and cultures. The movement faces internal struggles most of which seem to be swept under the proverbial rug of feminism and I think we should incorporate the struggle(s) we face internally, we focus so much on making .70 cents to the dollar of men but there are huge disparages in the salaries of white women versus salaries of women of color.

Is that not important?

This is something I feel is quite pertinent and it makes me respect black feminism more, if something is not being done for you, sometimes you have to do it for yourself; and I see this breaking away of black feminists from mainstream feminism as a direct response to not being acknowledge. In order to be a functioning unit and institution we need to expose issues that affect us, affect women; we’re fighting for this and against that and there are so many internal mishaps, which are just shooed away, why not open the paradox box, that’s my new mantra…however controversial it may be, I realize my kitchen can handle this heat because it’s positive to the growth of this incredible institution that needs to incorporate every woman, not just exclusively working for some. And I do commend women of the movement currently, because I think we all hope that the doors they are working to open will be held for my generations; for me. I respect what's currently being done in the third wave of feminism, but of course there's always room for improvement…it’s time to bring these issues to the forefront, demand attention, to generate change. And I’m not naïve enough to think it’ll happen overnight but maybe over time it can at least change a little…