My Memoir

Hello.

               

     Twenty years ago in about five months, you were born. Twenty years and nine months if you count the period you were a guest in her womb. When they loved each other enough to make love, you’re not sure if the goal was a child, or just the pleasure of being intimate, being in love and wanting the whole building, the whole city, the whole world to know that love blossomed from each of their bodies and into one another. Months passed quietly, love and work, both activities consumed them entirely. A forgettable day became memorable. She was pregnant. 4 months.

                

Love was made recklessly and in the process life was created. But two lives were already in full progress. Climbing up the corporate ladder, consumed with better, desiring for more. Desire rejected the new life, it would be a hindrance, a roadblock to what those two lives in full progress were destined to achieve.

               

But in the midst of love they decided to love the life now living in her body. Timing was wrong, plans were obliterated, but desire still abided in both lives. They worked harder, became less invested in each other and more invested in a future that needed to be created for the life that was already changing their lives and their love.

                

You were born. It was a blizzard. Just the two lives, nervously starring at the new one. The freezing precip fell from the sky, a cold chill ran up their spines, the love that seemingly had inferno strength left them freezing.

                

The city was left for suburbia. Culture for cookie cutter. But hey, who said the American dream incorporated culture? Love was left in that small studio apartment, where love made a life that changed two. You worry they resent you.

               

Months passed, the new life grew. You walked and talked, you said dad first, then mom. And then they left. Desire never left either of them, while love slowly did. They went back to work, started where they had left off. A nanny became your parents. She was nice though, lovely woman. She loved the live the two had created, the life they left to continue their own. The two lives would quietly stop in your room, as if they were visiting you in their own home. They loved you, they really did.

One Christmas after another, they weren't there. The two lives off pursuing goals, attaining some America dream, which was a fucking joke. Your dream was sitting in front of a massive pine covered tree opening presents with a fucking nanny. Love never filled that house the way it did the small studio apartment where they carelessly made love and life.

              

 Facades became a daily ritual for the two lives that no longer loved each other. Oddly enough they cared enough about the life they made to stay together, try and stick it out or whatever. You grew up, went to school, and made friends. Lived the typical American life, you were beginning to blossom while the two lives had been slowly rotting.

               

The nanny left, the new life wasn't so new anymore. The house got cold, almost like the blizzard you had been born on. It’s not that love wasn't there, but love for each other was gone. The two lives no longer loved each other just the one they created. How could you not love the person you made life with?

Divorce. They had rotted into corpses of who they had been in that studio apartment ten years prior. You didn't cry, you expected it. You lived, held your feels deep in the crevices of your heart and lived. Because although this is an autobiography they are your life, they gave you life and they took life from you. The emotional pain killed inside, you never think your family will be the one to explode. But you lived, made it through middle school then high school.  

That was life. They offered objects instead of affection. You love them but you hate them. They should have tried harder, did better. Now you look for love in every fucking person because you didn't experience enough at home. Because the two people who had once loved each other so much couldn't even show you, their kid what the fuck love was.

You’re in college now.  A pretty cool kid; you have no idea what you want to be. But you know you want to contribute; you can contribute to society, to the world, to art? Who knows what institution you’ll truly make your mark on. You love your parents, you know they want the best for you, and just like how you’re trying to navigate through the highs and lows of young adulthood, they did the same trying to figure out how to raise you. In no way is this autobiography a massacre of them, of those two lives because they were and are human, they’re growing. We’re actually growing together. I love you. 

Housewife ≥ Any Other Profession

There is nothing wrong with a woman wanting to be a housewife just as there is nothing wrong with her wanting to be a corporate drone. I can't understand how an individual can represent "feminism" but not respect a woman of sound mind to make her own lifestyle choices.

Sadly, third wave feminism is not all inclusive of every woman, and I guess that's probably true, to many social institutions...leaving out persons they claim to benefit. But whenever you notice the people or institution who claims to represent you, start to degrade you, take a minute to question if that institution even respects you. You don't have to hail "third wave feminist" to attain the respect and equality you deserve.
A woman can and should be respected in her household just as much or maybe even more than in the boardroom.

The Chase Reloaded

Being that the previous post I wrote was really generated out of pure, raw emotion I wanted to take a more in depth approach to the chase; what it means, is it a mutual activity, who should take the first step…

In my previous post I was specifically discussing my own issue with the chase; finding myself in a position where men were expecting me to make the first move and keep the lines of communication open; text them first, call them first, which as soon as I realized this albeit bizarre pathology I just stopped reaching out to that male all together. If there’s one thing I've learned in my life is that chasing people doesn't make them stay, it makes them run further away from you. I learned that lesson after chasing the first man that showed and allowed me to experience love; my father. Not in any instinctual or illicit sexual manner but he legitimately was the first man who ever loved me, and after an amicable divorce from my mother he moved on accordingly with other people, and for the longest time I chased and begged for his attention and to re-establish the daddy-daughter relationship we once had. But my mother scolded me for this behavior, “…don’t ever chase after a man…” she’d say and eventually I realized he was so far ahead, even if I was sprinting I would never catch up to him; I would always be chasing. From that point to today I feel I could never do it again; chase after a man, I stopped chasing after the most important man in my life so I’m definitely not going to chase a male who has some sort of confidence issue and gets off on women messaging and calling, receiving some ego boost because someone cares enough to reach out to him.

And in talking to other people they discuss fluid gender roles and how there’s no issue with a woman asking a man out or a man asking a woman out, which I agree with. We’re in evolutionary period where I don’t think the woman taking the first step is as taboo, or desperate as it might have been perceived in years past. But this has nothing to with fluid gender roles and equality it’s an issue of manners and etiquette. Women who want to take the reins, more power to them but that doesn't negate or invalidate a population of women who might want a man to take the first step; I don’t mind power exchanges, I’ll take the reins in a mutual situation too, so it’s not one sided; but lately I feel like that’s all I run into, men waiting for me to take their hand and lead the way… give me a break, and I don’t mean that to alienate men but I don’t want to your mother, especially when you’re older than me…I guess the whole with years come wisdom is specific to a minute percentage of the population.

In this evolving society it seems that the definition of a man has been lost in translation…the principals and weight carried along with the title of being a man has been all but removed. And the argument can be made that we live in a society that emasculate the man but that doesn't mean you have to fall victim, being stripped of any masculinity you have.

The stereotypical roles of men being the breadwinner, the head of the household, and the only one who climbs the corporate ladder are over, I don’t agree with them and they are completely alienating and disrespectful to the abilities of women, no doubt. But in the previous expert taken from my last post there needs to be an understanding that gender equality isn't suppose emasculate the man, and that seems to be what has happened. The principals and weight of being gallant and respectful, being a decent male, those are not to be forgotten, and sadly they have; raising boys as masculine, beastly men? No. But as humans, as adults that still harbor chivalry and respect. Present day guys trying to pass as men but without the know how on approaching women, or how to be respectful. It’s mortifying and frankly I go as far as to say it’s an epidemic. I’m not saying there aren't decent guys out there, because there are but they've been overshadowed by a generation of men who have no idea how to be just that, a man.  

The chase is a vital part of the courting process, and I don’t mean hunting the individual down, but a desire, actively seeking the individual…I mean if that’s not happening, unless it strictly hooking up with no strings that’s a situation that doesn't sound like it’ll be metastasizing into anything more than a game of cat and mouse. And I've done that with enough guys to not want to anymore.

And now I can breathe…

Please excuse how late this post is!

The Chase

You expect me to chase you?

Just a quick blurb for thought but lately I've come across this issue: Men, grown men expecting me to chase after them. In this ever evolving, modern society we live in many things have changed from the definitions of family and marriage to the ever increasing technologies we have at our fingertips; that being said there seems to be this new wave of thought on how courting should take place in this modern world. And it seems as though role reversal is the mantra of this generation…where women need to take the reins and seek men out. And I have no issue with a woman who knows what she wants and is confident enough to go after it, but personally speaking I usually let it come to me, and recently I noticed once it comes to be and I begin conversing with the individual I’m apparently supposed to keep the lines of communication open at all times…call him first, text him first, suggest this and that, as if I’m trying to start a relationship on my own. Pish Posh!! Give me a break, I don’t care if it’s 2014, common courtesy does not go out the window, I’m not saying you have to run me down on a constant basis but at least give me an idea that you actually want to hear from me, that you give two craps about my well-being…it’s a two street. Neither party should continually have to reach out; if there’s a mutual attraction shouldn't it come from both ends? And then male friends and counterparts always make the argument that their tired of chasing after women, and yeah you have some run of the mill girls who just want to be showered with compliments by any means necessary but that doesn't negate the population of women who desire the respect of a man taking the first step…idk a man being a man perhaps? In this evolving society it seems that the definition of a man has been lost in translation…the principals and weight carried along with the title of being a man has been all but removed. And the argument can be made that we live in a society that emasculate the man but that doesn't mean you have to fall victim, being stripped of any masculinity you have. Perhaps somewhere, someone doesn't even find this to be an issue, but as a woman it makes my stomach churn and I just needed to get that off my chest.  I will never chase down a man, it’s completely unorthodox and unbecoming; and here comes the importance of realizing your own worth as an individual, I know some females who will jump before a guy even says “how high” and that is the result of a failure to see yourself and what you deserve as a woman, as a human being.

*waving my white flag*

#blurbforthought

Thoughts?